Helping a Spouse or Partner With Depression
When the person you share a life with is struggling, it touches everything: the marriage, the kids, the job, the bills. Here is how it often shows up, how to start the conversation, and how to handle the practical side.
Easy to miss at homeDepression in a partner does not always look like sadness
Especially in men, depression and trauma often show up as these. Partners usually see them first.
Anger instead of sadness
Short temper, irritability, and arguments over small things.
Working more, or not at all
Long hours to avoid home, or not being able to get through the workday.
Drinking to take the edge off
More drinks at night, or drinking to sleep.
Pulling away
Less talking, less touch, less time with the kids or friends.
Sleep and health slipping
Sleeping badly, headaches, and dropping exercise or routines.
Three things to say to a partner, and how to say them
Pick a calm, private moment. Lead with care, not with the problems.
- 1
Talk about them, not the household
“I miss you. You have not seemed like yourself, and I am worried.”
- 2
Name what you have seen
“You have been drinking more, and you are not sleeping.”
- 3
Make the step small
“Would you just call and ask some questions? I can sit with you.”
Work, money and insurance while your partner is in treatment
Their job
FMLA and short-term disability can protect the job and part of the income. Admissions explains the paperwork.
Insurance
If they are on your plan, you can check the benefits as the policyholder.
Home and kids
Plan cover for school runs and bills, and an honest, simple explanation for children.
You
Your own support matters. A therapist or a family support group can help you through it.
A program for men, and a program for women
Many people open up more in a group that shares their experience. Each program has its own office and groups.
Men's program
Depression, trauma, anger and drinking, in groups only with other men.
Men's mental health treatment
Women's program
Depression, trauma and anxiety, in groups only with other women.
Women's mental health treatment
Partners can call first. Admissions answers calls 9 a.m.–5 p.m., seven days a week.
Wings works with many PPO insurance plans
Admissions verifies your benefits before admission, free and confidential. For Medi-Cal or Medicare, admissions can point you to programs that accept them.
Questions from spouses and partners
Starting the conversation, calling first, work, programs and taking part.
Don't see your question?
Admissions answers calls 9 a.m.–5 p.m., seven days a week. Calls are confidential.
Call(760) 388-6369Visits, phones, what to bring and more in the admissions FAQ →All the ways to reach Wings →How do I help my husband with depression?
Talk about how he seems, not about what he is failing to do. Name specific changes, listen, and offer one small next step, such as calling admissions together. If he is in danger, call 911.
He says he is fine. What can I do?
Many men do not see their depression as depression. Keep the door open, point to specific changes, and get support for yourself. See When They Refuse Help.
Can I call Wings without telling him?
Yes. You can call admissions to understand the options and check insurance on your plan. He would still need to agree to treatment himself.
Will he lose his job?
FMLA and short-term disability can protect his job and part of his income while he is in treatment. IOP lets many people keep working.
Are men and women treated together?
Wings runs a men’s program and a women’s program, each with its own office and groups.
Can I be part of his treatment?
Yes, with his consent. Partners can join family sessions and help plan the return home.